vague and mostly nonsensical kat meowings...

Sunday, October 16, 2005

Good Night, and Good Luck

back again. I'm only 21 and I have two bad knees already. Who knew that high school athletics could be so damaging? I'm going to the doctor on Thursday then I'll find out how bad it is... At present, I can't walk up and down stairs and walking is iffy. Somedays I'm alright, other days I look like a robot testing out its new legs. If I need surgery (which i think is likely) I'll have to fly back to dc to get it done. Luckily I'm still covered under my parents' insurance but I think that only lasts a little while longer... Scary stuff that I don't like to think about. I'll probably have arthritis by the time I'm 25. Maybe my body or my bones just age faster than the average person and I have some bizarro freak condition. I try not to think about my injuries too much though... It's just those times when I'm alone and lying in bed that I wonder what I'm doing with my life and how my life is going to be if I can't walk or run or do normal things. They'll probably be able to fix it sorta... but I won't be able to run and I'm plenty heavy as it is. I will just get fatter and fatter and be depressed and eat more. Sounds like a good plan. I mean, what can I do if I can't exercise very well and I have no pool membership so it's not like I can go swimming. Plus, there's no way in hell I'd get into a bathingsuit looking like like a blimp. I might as well give up now and plant myself in front of the television and eat bonbons. And perhaps I'll acquire a hick accent, a moo moo and squeeze out 10 children while I'm at it. Dunno how that will happen though since I can't walk and get out of the house so well...

Anyway, enough of this wallowing. I really did have a good weekend and everything. Friday night I went out for Indian food with Kyra and Erin and then came back here for drinks. Later that night Jitla, Becky, and I went to this bar where all of the baseball boys were. It was alright... not really my sort of place. It's one of those all-American places and all of the girls were dressed up parading themselves around and lots of frat/jock guys. I felt sort of out of place there. Plus, it hurt to be standing... I was just never one of the pretty girls and I'm not good at laughing at dumb jokes and batting my lashes. Plus, I don't want to. It wasn't really that bad I'm sure... But in my head, that's the way it was. I think I'm in my head too much. I'm driving myself insane. Internally I'm completely messed up and feel like I should go on a crash diet and lose about 50lbs but on the outside I keep my cool and act like nothing is going on. I know that if I lose massive amounts of weight I still won't be happy with myself. But maybe then I'd be happier... and less alone? No... I think I'm one of those people who will always be alone. I smile and pretend that it's all ok because I hate depressing people but in the end, even with lots of people around, I always feel alone. *sigh* This might win the award for most depressing blog post of mine. Oh well, it's all just bullshit anyway.

p.s. on a completely separate note, you should see "Good Night, and Good Luck" -- Ed Murrow is amazing :o)


At 12:19 PM, Blogger GobberGo said...

There'll be a full moon out tonight. Sounds like you could use some time alone with the moon. Helps me anyway. Keeps things in perspective and reminds me that life is beautiful overall.

For what it's worth: you're one of the best people I know, and I like you just the way you are (only I wish your knees wouldn't give you so much trouble).


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