angsty wriitngs

for josh, who never missed a beat.

may the bar set by other mere mortals
hit you swiftly in your side
may that pebble that is me
trip you in your self-righteous stride.

maybe when you hit the ground
you will see me with mine own eyes;
bruised, in tatters
groping blindly through
that infinite darkness that
ceaselessly takes lives...

but if you look closely enough
it you pause for just a while
maybe you would see
that though i'm clawing
grasping at nothingness
that at least
I keep on trying.



What if and Maybe

What if you had reached out to me
Instead of pulling further away
What if you hadn't tried to drown the silence
with background noise and tv?
What if I had felt you trying
and grasped your outreached hand
Would this be how it would be?

And maybe that hand
would have been enough
to silence those age-old fears.
Instead
left unchecked in the silence
they found their raspy voice
softly at first
timidly creeping in
but then more brazenly
began taking form.

I know it doesn't matter now
but i can't help but wonder
what if and
maybe.

smile

dear severely neglected blog. i'm back - and will hopefully actually mean that and be less flakey this time... i know, you don't trust me. that's okay, i don't either.

News from 2007
-just got dumped (a weekend ago - precisely 11 days prior to the worst and most obnoxious holiday of the year)
-got a new mac. she's lovely. (thank you lisa 'n ben!)
-am thinking of moving out of mn and changing careers entirely (details to come in a later entry)

Tip(s) for myself:*
1. Don't date co-workers. I know, i know, this has been my policy previously but i am foolish and made an exception last year, for which I am now paying dearly for...

*all the rest of my goals don't count since they're perpetual goals (floss, go to the gym, clean, do laundry, call my friends/family, all of this - more.

It is now Sunday night and I have to go to work tomorrow morning. I will see my ex-tomorrow. I hid in my cubicle Friday afternoon for fear of seeing him. I am pathetic, but he dumped me with no warning so I really am in no place to "just be friends". I'm far too hurt and angry to do that (be that mature?) No, I don't see that as mature necessarily. Immediately "just being friends" is ridiculous and I think is only possible if you didn't really care about the person that much in the first place. Please note that I said "immediately" there. Please also note that getting dumped at the start the coldest weekend/week of the this winter was excruciating. It felt like not only did my boyfriend not want me, but the entire state of Minnesota was telling me to get the F out - YOU DON'T BELONG HERE!!!

I have survived my first weekend being single. Whew. 1 down, the rest of my life to go... I'm glad I have internet & a computer once again because I've been able to talk to a lot of my friends who are near and far (many of whom I haven't spoken to in a while). My friends really came together this weekend and helped me forget that I'm not alone, at least - for a little while... "I get by with a little help from my friends" - while it's trite and overused, proved very true for me this past weekend.

It's been a strange week because my ex was my best-friend but is no longer in my life at all since i need time to nurse my injured self and start rebuilding again (until it all gets torn down the next time???) Anyways, I feel like I'm missing a major appendage, only I don't know which one or what it did exactly. I'd rather have an ex-labotomy (eternal sunshine of the spotless mind-esque). Valentine's day is their busiest time of the year after all...

So yeah, apparently the world keeps spinning and the sun does in fact come out again... I spent much of Monday sweeping up the pieces of myself and my life and didn't go to work on Monday as my face was a puffy mess betraying my complete psychological meltdown and outpouring of emotions stemming from the night before (when I finally discovered that he is just not that into me and hasn't been for a while now apparently). Bitter? Me? Never... Anyway, that whole "this too shall pass" stuff they always say is true and I know it is, but I need a little more time to wallow in my hurt. He on the other hand, is a freaking 'bot and after he brushed me off of his shoulders just picked right up again and kept going. Didn't even miss a beat. That bastard. A part of me wishes him pain.

May all the things I gave you cause you pain! hehe... :o)

Nevertheless, even the temperatures were far better this weekend than they've been all week - it warmed up to something in the 20s! i know, ABOVE zero this time. Go Minnesota - woooot! okay, enough for now. more to come later. oyasumi.

At first when I see you cry
It makes me smile
Yeah it makes me smile
At worst I feel bad for a while
But then I just smile
I go ahead and smile

4 wheeling in the moonlight...

poor neglected blog! I've been bad. very bad. I'm sorry! I will try and be better.

I got Fury Honda's oil changed Saturday! Wohoo! I was scared that they'd be like "oh there are unicorns stuck in your engine... so that'll cost you $1,000 to remove" and make up crazy things that I wouldn't understand. Luckily, they didn't. Whew! and they turned off that "maintenance reqd" light! everything looked good they said... whew! I'm not as bad a car owner as I feared... :o)

I went to my first baby shower last weekend. It think it will be the first and only baby shower that I go to that has a keg (don't worry, the mother wasn't drinking!) Anyway, the shower was surprisingly fun! I had a really good time and actually got to go 4-wheeling in the moonlight! :o) 'twas much fun... especially when Adam flipped it and we landed in the mud! the full moon reflecting off the mudpuddles was particularly lovely...

dooby dooby doo

I haven't posted in a while. Sorry! 2006 has been crazy and feels like it's flying by. I've been ridiculous amounts of overtime at work (one week I worked Sunday - Saturday and had 24 hours of overtime!). So yeah, this past weekend was the first weekend I actually had both days off. Amazing!

I've also been on this workout/diet plan so that I can get into shape and hopefully be able to wear a bathingsuit this summer and maybe have more confidence in myself rather than trying to blend in with the wall or just not go out at all b/c I feel like all of my friends are much prettier/skinnier than me... bleh! Stupid weight issues! I'm also working on reformatting my brain so I'm less crazy but that's a bit harder than just working out.

I've joined the Uptown YWCA and have been working out almost every day... 6-7 days per week. I try to get to the gym before work in the mornings at about 6:30am but when I sleep through I go at night. Saturday I had a leisurely run and did 8 miles. Yesterday and today I only did 6. Don't worry... they're all on the elliptical machines so they're a lot easier to do and I don't kill my already ridiculously bad knees.

Eating well is proving to be extremely difficult. I haven't made it the full 2 weeks without cheating :(. I'm still looking better but I feel so guilty about the cheating. I'm not supposed to have alcohol or lots of carbs or sugar... EH! Who knew that most of my social life rests upon going out and eating at restaurants or happy hour with friends? As a result, I've turned into somewhat of a recluse. Sometimes I do go out, but it's such a pain to have such a restricted diet so that's usually how I end up cheating. :( Also, I don't like being sober when everyone is drunk around me. I feel even more awkward than I usually do and end up standing around like a buffoon. Good ol' social anxiety...

Tomorrow is Root City Band at Gluek's -- this bar in downtown Minneapolis where this awesome band plays every Wednesday night. They're a lot of fun to go see and all the guys in the band seem like very cool guys. My friend and coworker Abby introduced to me to them and she's a big fan. She sort of knows them and sells shirts for them which is very cool. She's an amazingly friendly person... and really genuine too. One of those people who you just instantly like :). Anywho, I'm very glad she works with me now. It makes work so much better and she's really inspired me to become a healthier, happier person :o) Yay!

That's all for tonight... I should get to bed so that I can make it to the gym in the morning. Tomorrow evening I start doing weight training... wooh! exciting! It's supposed to burn fat very quickly. This past month I've already lost betw/5-10 lbs and am one pants size smaller :). Wohoo! I'm still a big girl of course... I just spill out of things less now. Heh. :o)

Oyasuminasai

Shogatsu

Happy New Year Folks,

Ok, so I'm trying to get healthy this year. I've started a new diet plan... A bit like South Beach but slightly different. I'm determined. I'm not even drinking alcohol and eating too many carbs! I've also started to use that Listerine Whitening stuff and flossing! hehe. We'll see how long that keeps up. I've finally been taking care of business and put air in my tires, and changed the plates to say Minnesota. i've also cleaned and vacuumed my room so that I can do my aerobic pilates. Wohoo! Although I hear that the plaster on the ceiling of the girl who lives below me is probably falling off... She probably wakes up and thinks... earthquake?!

Work has been going really well. I really like my coworkers a lot :) I have yet to get a gym membership... it's actually like $50 a month! Expensive!!! I'm going to try and call them to see if I qualify for financial aid 'cos I'm paying back loans and have already had 2 knee surgeries so going to a gym is crucial for me to lose weight... We shall see. It seems that my bank account is perpetually starving!

Oh, and I also got a nose stud... and posted a picture as well... what do you think? Not too flashy/trashy I hope... I still have to get new glasses too... Some arty ones perhaps? hmmm...

Glass Airplanes

i'm bad and haven't been posting... I'm now back in Mpls and I'm sick after returning from Md for the holidays. I'm sick enough to be annoyingly sick, but not sick enough to not go to work... foiled again! The holidays were good and restful. It was fun being back home, especially since many of my friends from High School have moved back to the area. It was a good balance between family and friends. I am wondering at present if I should return to dc, stay in mpls, or move somewhere else -- sf maybe?

I feel restless and almost wish someone would just tell me what to do and what path i should take rather than having to figure out my own. What if I decide wrong? What if I should be doing something and be somewhere, but I'm not? Bah... angsty, i am.

As a general appearance update I now have caramel highlights in my hair. A bit like Lisa's but darker in coloring and less thick. I have been meaning to take a photo and post it. I will... soon.

I am also determined to join a gym because I'm feeling lethargic and want to be healthy. I have no excuses for not being in shape and looking the way I want to. Perhaps I should make a list of New Years resolutions even though that's always so trite. Maybe if I post them and make them public I'll be more likely to stick with them? I will compile a list by the end of this week/year.

In other notes, I keep having strange dreams... Usually, I am traveling. Sometimes I'm in glass airplanes that are falling into the ocean. My dreams are never mundane... I wish I had the money to just up and travel somewhere. *sigh* I just have to find something that will pay me to travel... Maybe then my dreams will calm down? Hmm...

Ok, I should take some medicine and go to bed. I'm reading "The Zahir" right now by Paulo Coelho that Meg and Seth gave me. So far i like it a lot... but then again, I really like all of his books. :o) Oyasuminasai!

p.s. Happy belated birthday Lisa! Your gift is late from me, as usual!

Fried Chicken

I'm back in Minneapolis right now and this past month has been quite eventful. I went back to DC Nov. 8 and found out that I had to have knee surgery (arthroscopic) for a torn lateral meniscus. Surprise surprise, I've already torn my other meniscus on my left knee and had the same surgery done 4 years ago. This time however, I am older and heavier and am not healing quite as quickly as I did before. I feel like a grandma! And I must say, it was strange being wheel chaired through an airport...

Knee surgery took place on my 22nd birthday and it was heaps of fun. The first nurse couldn't find my veins and kept poking me. The room that they eventually led me to was sort of scary. It was all white and sterile and in the middle of the room was the operating table and I remember getting up on the table and having my legs spread out like I was on a cross or something. Then the anesthesiologist gave me the anesthesia and asked me a few questions about Minnesota and I replied although I don't remember exactly what I said... Nonetheless, I woke up in a completely different room and I was sort of hazy and had a bad case of the hiccups! It was like I was drunk! Finally one of the nurses had to come and give me a can a juice and a straw.

Anyway, I just got back last night/this morning from my Thanksgiving trip home which was a lot of fun :) This time I got to spend time with my family and it was surprisingly not that stressful. The food was delicious too. Last night when I was flying home I took a really messed up way to get here which involved me flying from DC to Texas to Minneapolis and there was a lot of wind on the way to Dallas and it was the first time I've ever felt really nauseated on a plane. It didn't much help that the guy next to me asked me "are we going to die?" when we were trying to land. For some reason we were at the way back of the plane and our row didn't have a window so it was a bit unnerving.

Oh yes! The highlight of my day yesterday was before we left for the airport when mummy dearest was trying to determine whether my flight status. So as Megu and I are talking in the dining room and lisa's peeling shrimp in the kitchen I hear my mom call out "fried chicken! fried chicken" and ignore this nonsense. Finally, after she's repeated it a few times and I say "what is wrong with you?! why do you keep saying 'fried chicken"?!" It turns out she was trying to say "flight check-in". d'oh!